


that burned out autumn smell

by lyricallyharley



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: M/M, Quarantine
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-12
Updated: 2020-05-12
Packaged: 2021-03-02 21:27:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,831
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24143569
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lyricallyharley/pseuds/lyricallyharley
Summary: dan is feeling mentally exhausted
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 8
Kudos: 48





	that burned out autumn smell

Dan is sat on the bed.

It’s where he’s been all day. Writing emails, looking at himself in the mirror and checking to see how long his hair has gotten, but mostly thinking. He sits on the edge of the bed for hours thinking about all the ways quarantine has changed his life. Professionally, physically, mentally, and even relationship wise.

He’s called his family. He can’t say he particularly wanted to, or that he enjoyed it when all he wanted to do was go back to bed and lie there for hours in complete darkness. No distraction, no realities of the way the world is right now. Slowed, to a near halt.

Everyone is stuck at home, and It’s like his life has been put on pause.

He can’t run as often anymore, he wasn’t able to do that marathon he had dedicated so much time and effort to, his project was even delayed, and looking after his mental health is the hardest it’s been in years.

Sure he jokes about the lifestyle change not being so drastic, but those are jokes. It’s just his branding. Over the years he’s come to actually enjoy going out for walks or runs through London, and on most days, he enjoys spending time with his friends.

He thinks it may be one of those ‘you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone’ moments, but he assumes that everyone is experiencing this to some degree. _All of us are in the same boat right now._ He has to remind himself. _The universe is not out to get me._

And it’s a good mindset for him to have. It reminds him of where he stands in all of this. How most people are safe below deck, while others are up top fighting the storm. He’s lucky.

The problem is, is it’s impossible to tell whether or not that boat is sinking. 

Those are the kind of thoughts that keep him in hour long dazes. The ones that creep up on him from the back of his mind and stay there for days on him, slowing down his day to day productivity more than he could have ever imagined. He still worries about what's to come, how long this will last, and if and when it’s all over, will he ever be able to go back to what he considered ‘normal’ or is this going to change everyone’s lives forever? Some of his thought spirals are worse than others, and some aren’t even that rational. The one thing he knows for sure is remembering how lucky he is and comparing himself doesn’t relax him one bit.

Then there’s Phil.

He tries his best to be there for him, and Dan knows that, but Phil is not god. There are so many things that he just can’t fix, and he refuses to acknowledge that there’s no saving Dan from his thought spirals sometimes. Much to Dan’s appreciation though, he respects when he wants to be left alone.

Phil treats the rest of the world like it doesn’t exist sometimes. He acts like it’s just them, and nothing else matters, which is a nice thought in hindsight but doesn’t do a lot to get rid of the _the universe hates me_ narrative in Dan’s head.

When Phil finds him today, he doesn’t immediately notice that anything is wrong. He is human, after all, and he has troubling thoughts of his own swarming his mind.

When he finally does notice Dan, however, he sees the distraught look in his eyes as he catches his attention, and a wave of sadness envelops Dan all at once.

He doesn’t cry, but that doesn’t mean Phil can’t tell that he wants to. He sits down on the bed next to Dan, not a word spoken. He holds his arms out, an invitation for Dan to sink into them if he so wishes to seek out any comfort, which he does. 

They hug for what seems like longer than Dan had been spaced out for, which to put it mildly, was a _while._

When Dan does pull away he can tell Phil is concerned. He doesn’t blame him. He’s felt himself teetering on the edge of another emotional breakdown all day, and if Phil hadn't thought to come and check on him that may have just happened. 

Phil carefully runs his hand across Dan’s back, sliding it over the day-old fabric he slept in and stopping when he reaches his neck, a wordless gesture, asking permission to continue with a gentle smile. Dan nods and exhales loudly when he feels Phil’s fingers come to rest against the side of his neck. They exchange another long glance before Phil finally says anything.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Dan shakes his head, grabbing Phil’s other hand and squeezing it. “Just distract me please.”

Phil’s expression changes then, and it makes Dan let out a breathy laugh. It’s the kind of look that he has when he has an idea, and that he’s interested or excited by it. As if Dan has given him some sort of mission and he’ll stop at nothing until he succeeds. 

He watches with a quiet fondness as Phil gets up and walks to the other side of the room. He doesn’t seem to be too sure what he’s looking for at first, he just wanders aimlessly in a way that has already managed to make Dan forget what thoughts were previously overpowering his mind.

Their room is a bit cluttered, but not to the point where nothing can be found or they’re having to step over things. _Cleaning it can wait._ Dan thinks.

Phil scans their belongings that they keep on a shelf, things from books to plushies and some other miscellaneous things. Dan realizes they may have to reorganize sooner rather than later.

Who knows maybe, it will be a good distraction.

Phil stops when he looks like he’s spotted something, and Dan lets out another laugh when he sees that Phil has grabbed one of the old woodwick candles from their shelf.

The label is worn, and half the wax is gone. He can’t remember the last time they burned that thing. It could have been months ago, or even before they moved to this apartment. Either way, he had forgotten that they even owned that candle.

It’s funny how just the smallest of things can make you forget about whatever is going on in the world. How the mind will focus on the simplest task of burning a candle, which does so much more than one might think.

Phil grabs a lighter and unscrews the wooden top, sound of plastic clicking against the glass, and a crackling candle wick. Dan has always adored the sounds a woodwick makes, it reminds him of a campfire almost. The familiar sound and smell fills the room, and with that, the room is filled with memories.

He remembers the last time they burned this now. It was December, last year, and they were having a disagreement about which candle to burn. They ended up doing rock, paper, scissors to decide and Phil won. He had acted offended by his choice, but he actually quite liked it. Needless to say they spent the next half hour cuddling and kissing on the sofa.

He smiles at the memory. He breathes in the aroma of cinnamon and mulled cider, and a few other scents he can’t place, and already, he feels at ease. 

“This is that autumny one, isn’t it.” Dan observes. “What’s it called again?’

Phil picks the candle back up and reads the faded words.

“Sweater Weather.”

He sits back down on the bed, this time behind Dan so that he can reach his back.

“Do you want a massage?” Phil asks nonchalantly, placing his hands on Dan’s shoulders with a practiced hesitation. Not because he’s nervous, he’s done this a thousand times, but because in moments like these, it can be impossible to get Phil to know what he wants. Even ten years later, Phil struggles to understand him sometimes.

He doesn’t mind this. After all, Phil has only ever wanted to do whatever he thought would make Dan happy. He wasn’t always right, but god is he good to him.

But now, Dan does want a massage. Really, he just wants to be touched by Phil. He wants a reminder of where he is and who he’s with.

He nods and leans back a bit, adjusting his position so that his legs are crossed and his hands are folded in his lap. And much to his content, Phil doesn’t waste any time.

Phil is in no way an expert in massages, but Dan always seems to like them so he’s never doubted their effectiveness. He starts off slow, rubbing gentle circles into the backs of his shoulders with his thumbs, making an effort to apply some force, but not too much that it hurts or startles him.

“Thank you.” Dan sighs. “I fucking needed this.” 

He tilts his head back while still leaning against Phil, the sudden movement causing his overgrown curls to fall back and bounce in a wave. 

The feeling of those familiar hands grabbing a hold of him is enough, the calming movements washing away his anxieties and whispering a soft reminder.

_I’m never letting you go._

It’s strange to think that after so long Dan would need such a reminder, but it doesn’t even have to be spoken for him to know that Phil has him, and that he would do anything for him.

As he closes his eyes he takes in the smell of the candle burning behind them, filling the room with a soothing aura. The smell is warm and crisp, and it slows the rise and fall of his chest as he breathes it in, and it puts his mind at ease. He sinks against Phil's hold.

He lets out a shaky breath.

Phil starts, the sudden sound causes him to jump back from the hold. He gently eases Dan’s shoulder, guiding him so that he’s turned to face him.

“Hey,” Phil whispers as Dan meets his eyes. “Everything is gonna be okay, you know that right?” 

As much as Dan would want to debate him on that, he doesn’t bother. He just asks Phil to hold him again and closes his eyes.

Phil winds his arms around Dan, pulling him against his body and letting Dan’s head nestle onto his shoulder. They don’t need to talk right now, they just need to exist together. Thinking can wait until tomorrow. Time has shrunken down, and all that’s there is Phil, who is more than just a person. 

Phil is a place where Dan feels safe. He’s comfort. He’s home.

At this moment, the only thought occupying Dan’s mind is Phil.

_I’m here for you. I will always be here no matter what._

And for now, it’s the only thought he needs.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading! come say hi on tumblr @casualdannie


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